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Oedipus and Midas

Today I heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas…

punchline

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Hedgehogs

Hedgehogs

Why can’t they just share the hedge?


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Friendship does not mean being totally honest

Friendship does not mean being totally honest

Friendship does not mean being totally honest and truthful to each other. The struggle for me is the relationship should be a safe place to be truthful. So what do you do when your friend does not look good in the outfit they choose, is making bad choices in life, becomes irritating to be with, etc. How do you decide when being honest is the right thing to do even if it hurts the feelings of your friend or possibly ends the friendship?

I most of the time take that person “with a grain of salt”, but that gets old after awhile. I don’t like to have to work that hard to overlook those personality traits to maintain a friendship. I usually end up staying away from that person more and more, until I only see them once in awhile on a casual basis. By that time they have become a casual acquaintance.


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The Coward’s Way Out

The Coward’s Way Out

I moved with my boyfriend into our first and only apartment together; we blended our things and then he changed jobs. I was working split days (so only one day off at a time) and he worked graveyard. It wasn’t easy but I thought it was doable.

This was the first time I had lived with a boyfriend, and it was his first adventure out of his parents’ home. He was 20 and I was 19 at the time. I had already been out of my parents home for over a year at this point.

We had lived together for almost a month when I came home from work and noticed the T.V. was gone, yet the boyfriend’s socks and underwear from the night before were still in front of the space. My first thought was “There’s been a robbery!” I was preparing to call the police and make a report but wanted to have all my information correct. So I retraced my steps; the door and lock were fine, so I investigated further and found that only his stuff was missing – but not all of it. He had left two really large bookcases and of course the socks and underwear.

I started the search for him – this was before cell phones. I called his parents home and was informed by his dad that his idiot son did move back home and yes, he did tell him to call me. He was sorry that his son had done this.

Then the new ex’s best bruh called and wanted to know when I was working next, so that they could pick up the bookcases. I told him that the locks were being changed, and the phone number was next. The retrieval of the bookcases would have to wait until the ex paid me for his share of the deposit, the phone and the new lock; and of course it would have to happen when I was off work.

No, there wasn’t a break in, just a coward dumping the girl that was supposed to have been his dream girl. All because he couldn’t be bothered to pick up his underwear and socks, or his junk food wrappers.

If you are wondering, he did pay me and get his bookcases but the socks and underwear were vacated that day to a nearby dumpster.


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The Chinese Herbalist

The Chinese Herbalist

A man with an embarrassing condition walks into a bar one day, sad and depressed. He orders a shot, then another, and then another. Finally, the bartender asks him “hey, what’s wrong buddy?”. The man replies, “I’ve got this really embarrassing condition, and no doctor has ever been able to figure out how to cure it”. The bartender says “well, why don’t you tell me about it?”.

“Ok”, says the man, “you see…..whenever I fart, it comes out HONNNNNDA!!!”. I’ve tried everything; changed my diet, stopped drinking beer and eating beans…everything!”.

The bartender says “have you tried Chinese herbal medicine?”.

“No”, says the man, incredulous but nonetheless interested.

“Well”, says the bartender, “there’s a Chinese herbalist right around the corner; it wouldn’t hurt to give him a shot”.

So, the man goes to see the Chinese herbalist and tells him all about his problem. “Ahhh…very interesting problem but I think I know what is wrong”, says the herbalist, “you have an abscess in your tooth and you must go to the dentist”.

Well, the man hasn’t seen a dentist in years and is reluctant to go, but he decides he has to do something about his farts. After his exam, the dentist informs him that,  yes indeed,  he has an abscess. The dentist performs the surgery to fix the abscess, and the man’s farts return to normal. “This is miraculous!”, thinks the man. He goes back to the herbalist to find out how he could possibly know that he had an abscess. “Ah…” says the herbalist”, “ancient Chinese proverb! Abscess make the fart go honda!”.

 


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Donald Trump visits an elementary school

Donald Trump visits an elementary school

Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school and enters one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy.” He agrees to participate and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” replies Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted businessman. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr. Trump searches the room. “Is there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?” Finally, at the back of the room, a quiet little boy named Johnny raises his hand. He says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaims Mr. Trump, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”


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Blackbirds Are NOT to be Hunted

Blackbirds Are NOT to be Hunted

My pappy gave me my first used bb pump action rifle when I was 5 years old. My dad helped me break it down and clean it; that was the only way he would buy me some bbs for it. We went out target shooting so that I could learn how the gun worked and about gun safety.

The next day I learned that in our home we only kill what we intend to eat, a valuable lesson in wildlife preservation. I was in our backyard with my bb gun practicing when I took aim, and  shot and killed a blackbird. My dad’s dog retrieved it and took it to my daddy – so, basically our hunting dog ratted me out. Dad asked me about why I shot the black bird and I said I was practicing with my bb gun.

He took my gun away and then sat me down with a paper bag and the dead bird and told me that I was having blackbird for dinner. He made me clean that bird, and I was so sorry that I had killed that little bird that he didn’t make me eat it. I also learned that we don’t shoot any bird or other animal that we don’t intend to eat.

After that, I had to keep my gun locked up with the rest of the hunting guns that belonged to my dad. I could only take it out if we were going target shooting or hunting. That was the year I shot my first dove and my first quail.

When I started Kindergarten is when I learned that little girls don’t typically hunt and fish. I did, and so did most of my girl cousins.


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The Winemaker’s Wild Ride

The Winemaker’s Wild Ride

What do I do to prepare for the work week?

Well, first I do whatever I can on the weekend to decompress from the previous work week. I’m lucky to live near coastal towns, as well as wine-making country; so, my wife and I will usually venture out for a nice lunch and some wine tasting.

Last Saturday, after spending several hours cleaning house, we drove to one of our favorite wine tasting rooms, spent some time wine tasting, and headed over to one of our favorite restaurants for dinner. Well, our plan was to have dinner right after the wine tasting, but the winemaker had other plans.

Before we left the tasting room for dinner, the owner of the winery wanted to go for a drive with us in our new car. I drove first, heading down a nearby winding road with little traffic. He was loving the ride, and wanted to drive the car himself, which I was perfectly happy to let him do since he’s a retired race car driver. After driving a few miles down the winding road, I turned around and let F.J. take the wheel, with my wife in the front seat and F.J.’s wife and I in the back seat. I’m glad he’s an experienced driver, and not only knows how to drive on a track, but the nearby local roads as well. He knows this road like the back of his hand, and it showed.

Although, to me and my wife, it seemed like those corners were coming awfully fast, and F.J.’s penchant for ‘straightening out’ the ess curves to go faster had us thinking maybe this wasn’t such a good idea!

Needless to say, we got back to the tasting room almost twice as fast as we had gotten to my turn-around point. F.J. bought us a bottle of wine for allowing him to drive the fancy new car, and we headed off to a great dinner afterwards.

You’d think this type of activity would create stress, and not relieve it, but my wife and I are total gearheads, and we loved it.

The winemaker’s wild ride was truly a great way to prepare for a new work week!


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I Didn’t Know That Wasn’t Her Name

I Didn’t Know That Wasn’t Her Name

When I was two; you know, the age of repeat everything you hear, I was riding in the car to the store with my Daddy. There was this lady who wasn’t driving very well and it caused Daddy to comment, a lot. When we got to the store she was entering just as we were; I waved and with a big smile said “Hiya Bitch!” I thought it was her name and that Daddy knew her.

 


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Pickles

Pickles

I was a persistent and stubborn child. One day, while in the grocery store with my mother, I saw pickles and absolutely had to have them! I pestered my mother until she finally relented,  and put a jar of the pickles into the cart. I continued to bother her, screaming “pickle!” until she opened the jar and gave me one. Well, my friends, those were NOT pickles! They were chili peppers…very HOT chili peppers. And my mother gave me one. And I bit into it. And I screamed my bloody head off until we got home. I guess she thought she was teaching me a lesson, and I think it worked. Later, in my adult years, she told me that story; and she said I never asked for anything in the grocery store again.


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I Don’t Like Spiders – still

I Don’t Like Spiders – still

When I was in Kindergarten I was spending a Friday after school with my Dad’s sister and her three kids. We had been playing in the yard and I decided to sit on her porch and just watch my cousins being silly. She sat down next to me and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was thinking. This is more or less how the conversation went down.

“Auntie, do you love your children?” my five year old self asked.
“Yes, I love them and you very much”, she replied
“Do you put bugs and spiders in their rooms?” I asked.
“No, why did you ask me that sweetie?”
“Oh because my mom does that to me.”
“What?!?”
“Am I in trouble?”
“Oh, no sweetheart. Please tell me about where she puts them”
“They’re in little boxes under my bed, in my closet and under my dresser. She tells me that she will let them out if I am bad and I will have to stay in my room with them” I almost whisper to my aunt, knowing this would at least lead to a spanking if my mom found out.
“Thank you for sharing this with me honey, why don’t you go play with your cousins while I fix a snack.”
“Okay…but please don’t tell my mommy”
“Don’t worry honey I won’t tell your mommy”

I left the porch to go play ‘freeze tag’ with my cousins as my aunt went inside and called my dad. She told him that it might be my imagination getting the best of me, but that he had better check my room for bugs.

He did check, and what he found was troubling; there were poisonous spiders and a variety of scary looking bugs in matchboxes throughout my room including in some of my clothing drawers.

My room was emptied of all the creepy crawlies, and they were waiting on the dining room table when my mom came back from her adventure. My dad told her to pack her shit, including all of her critters and to not set foot in his house again. They had divorced when I was a baby and my dad had custody. I stayed at my aunt’s until she was gone and my room had been put back together.

Not surprisingly, I still don’t like spiders to this day.


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Get Over It

I don’t think my sister actually thinks about her actions and how it affects others. I think she pretty much lives one knee-jerk reaction to the next and it makes for interesting social media.

I also believe the fairy tale she wants you to think her life is, is truly made up in her head. She gushes one day about how wonderful and perfect her husband and their life is, but she is always so unhappy when I see her.

They are always buying this or that, but when you ask them to come for a visit or be part of a celebration they are always broke.

She always plans family gatherings with less than 5 days notice and then is pissed when you don’t just automatically show up. We live in different states.

She also likes to have all attention focused on her, which is why I got my ass handed to me when I made a social media post about our mom. The focus wasn’t me or my sister, it was our mom; and wow did fireworks happen.

I’m still stinging over her “love” but that is okay, I will be more neutral in my dealings with her since I am not family to her anyway.

She’d just tell me to get over it because she is; so I will, but our relationship will be forever changed.get over it


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Oedipus and Midas

Today I heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas… punchlineIt was motherfucking gold....
article post

Hedgehogs

Why can’t they just share the hedge? Share this:TwitterFacebookRedditLike...
article post

Friendship does not mean being totally honest

Friendship does not mean being totally honest and truthful to each other. The struggle...
article post

The Coward’s Way Out

I moved with my boyfriend into our first and only apartment together; we blended our...
article post

The Chinese Herbalist

A man with an embarrassing condition walks into a bar one day, sad and depressed. He...
article post

Donald Trump visits an elementary school

Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school and enters one of the classes. They are in...
article post

Blackbirds Are NOT to be Hunted

My pappy gave me my first used bb pump action rifle when I was 5 years old. My dad...
article post

The Winemaker’s Wild Ride

What do I do to prepare for the work week? Well, first I do whatever I can on the...
article post

I Didn’t Know That Wasn’t Her Name

When I was two; you know, the age of repeat everything you hear, I was riding in the car...
article post

Pickles

I was a persistent and stubborn child. One day, while in the grocery store with my...
article post

I Don’t Like Spiders – still

When I was in Kindergarten I was spending a Friday after school with my Dad’s...
article post

Get Over It

I don’t think my sister actually thinks about her actions and how it affects...
article post